Mike Goes Straight/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Red green: You know, there's been a lot of talk about men hating to ask for directions. That's not really the point. The real problem is men love to drive. And if you have to ask for directions, that means you don't know where you're going, and that means the passenger seat is in your near future. So when you're out with your wife and you lose the argument as you know you must, and you end up asking a guy for directions, here's what to do to stop your integrity from shrinking -- because size matters. Make a little sign, hide it under your sleeve, attach a couple of sinkers to the edge so it'll unroll without your wife seeing it. And you want to pick a married guy, because he'll understand. Okay, so pull over, tell him where you're headed, and as soon as you ask him if you're going in the right direction, secretly release the sign. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Well, it's a big, big week at the lodge this week. We've got a horseshoe tournament going on. Mind you, I haven't been able to find my horseshoes. I figure they'll turn up sooner or later. Mike can you come up here a minute, please? Um, I didn't steal it, mr. Green. What? Didn't steal what? You'll have to be more specific. Well, I can't seem to find my horseshoes. Are they in there? [ clunking sound ] probably not. I know the sound of my own horseshoes. Can I have them back, please? Oh! Ha-ha! You shoulda told me you put 'em in there. Oh, right, yeah. Thank you, mike. Where'd you get that pen? Oh, I've always had this pen. That's my pen, mike. Oh, really? Has it got your name on it? Yeah. Oh. You know, mike, this sticky fingers stuff is gettin' outta hand. I'm sorry, mr. Green. I just can't help myself. All my life I've been taking stuff that wasn't mine. It's just been getting worse and worse. But don't send me back to prison, please! Please don't send me back to prison, mr. Green. I can't do it anymore, I tell you! I just can't do it! Mike, mike, mike. I'm not gonna send you back to prison. Great. But you need to do something, mike. Why don't you go down and see your parole officer and offer to help him out, eh? I think you'd have a whole different attitude if you were looking at law enforcement from the other side. That's a great idea, mr. Green. I'm gonna go right down there and do that. Can I catch a ride with you? Sure. You know what? I'd be glad to do that. Ah, geez, thanks, mr. Green. Here's the keys to your van. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive three boxing lessons from tucker's manufacturing, the makers of the finest cardboard boxes. Okay, uh, cover your ears, there, ed. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get animal control officer ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right. And go! Okay, ed, this is something almost all animals have. Sharp teeth. Okay, no, no. This is what animals use to find their way back to somewhere they've been before. Oh! Trail of blood. No, no, no. Okay, okay. This is something animals have that humans don't. Uh, antlers? Okay, ed, why do salmon swim upstream? Panic. Yeah, did you ever see their eyes? Ed, ed, ed, they're not afraid. They swim up to their spawning grounds, they lay eggs and die. Now, what characteristic makes them do that? Stupidity, I guess. Uh, red, you guys are runnin' short of time. Okay, ed, you're an animal control officer. What's the difference between you and the animals? I can outrun them. Yeah, but that's just my survival instinct. There we go! [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] if you're sittin' on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away, and you don't live anywhere near water, call rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. See, it's people like that that have ruined it for everybody. My wife bernice sees them with the slim waistline and their low pulse rate, she takes a look at me and starts getting all kinds of ideas. See to me, you should keep your pulse rate high, not low, because eventually it goes to zero, and you want to keep it as far away from that as you can. So bernice gets me one of these treadmill machines. Tells me she wants me to do three miles a day. At the speed I walk, that's a 24-hour commitment. You never get anywhere. The scenery doesn't change. It's useless and boring. And those are two words that I hear enough of in my life. So I got a better idea. See this is the key right here. This machine runs on 12 volts dc, just like a car. That means you don't have to plug it into a house current. You can actually run this on a couple of car batteries. Now, you may be a little bit confused at this point. You might even be sitting there with your mouth wide open, beer and chips are going everywhere. So let me explain the mystery to you. See, when they build these machines, they go to a lot of effort to make sure this belt never touches the ground. Well, that's where they make the big mistake. Okay, I've got my car batteries wired in. I've got my belt sitting flat on the ground. All I gotta do is put my feet on the side rails here, and I'm ready to start exercising. Ah, ah, ah. Wait a minute. Let's play it safe for a change. Let's play it really safe. Okay, here's the beauty of a dc motor... To make the belt go the other way, all I had to do was switch the battery terminals. Don't you wish people were dc? All right, it's time for my three-mile walk, so remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ ♪ ] do any of you have any ugly pictures of yourself sitting around? No? Didn't think so. See, when most people find an unflattering picture of themselves, they rip it up and burn it, then go bury it in the backyard. I think that's a bad idea. I know some people take a fat picture of themselves and they'll put it on the fridge as a deterrent to keep them from snacking. That doesn't really work. It ends up as kind of a territorial thing... "this fridge and its contents are the property of moose." I tell you what I suggest. Get the ugliest, fattest, most disgusting picture of yourself ever taken, and put it in a nice frame and hang it beside a full-length mirror. Make sure it's such a horrible picture there's almost no chance you're ever gonna look that bad again. This means when you stand in front of the mirror, you're gonna see that you look way better now than you did back when that picture was taken. Then you start thinking that as you get older, you start looking better. And that'll make you look better still. And if the day ever comes when you actually look worse than you do in the picture, well, hey, time to get out the camera. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, this is the experts' portion of the show, where we feature. Those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know. And today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts: Our daughter's about to marry a moron." oh, geez. "is there anything we can do to stop her? "if not, how do we carry on with our lives "once we have an idiot in the family?" okay, well, now, as a father, it's your responsibility to point out that this guy really is stupid, so what you wanna do is invite him over for the "trivial pursuit" game. Only instead of a game piece, you make him use your daughter's engagement ring. Every time he gets one wrong, you pry a diamond outta there. That is so wrong! A marriage is based on mutual respect, not iq. If you have mutual respect, you don't need anything else. How many years you been married, harold? Okay, I haven't found the right person yet, but at least I know what I'm looking for. Yes, unfortunately, so do they. Except for this guy's daughter, who thinks she's looking for a moron, I guess. Yeah, well, I'm in the same boat. Yeah, my daughter's fiancé is sure no brainiac. It's so disappointing when your daughter starts going out with a total idiot. Well, be careful, now, mr. Dalton. They say girls are attracted to men who remind them of their father. Ah, harold, come on, now. That's ridiculous. The fact that this guy notices the boyfriend is stupid means that he's pretty smart. 'cause stupid people don't think anything is stupid. Whereas you think everything is stupid. Oh, harold, don't be st -- stereotyping. Don't be stereotyping me. Well, my advice to this viewer is talk to another couple whose daughter married an idiot. But there won't be anybody like that until you get engaged. I was thinking more of aunt bernice's parents. [ dalton laughing ] that's a good one. Red: You're home, dalton. You can get out now. Dalton: I can't get the paint off. Yes! Try the varsol? Yes, red! Gasoline? Well, there's a belt sander back there, but nowhere to plug it in. I can think of a place! Now, don't get yourself all wranged up here, dalton. Ann marie probably won't even notice. Won't even notice?! Look at me. I look like bozo the clown. Well, that's not a huge stretch for her. I can't go in there. Ann marie does not let me go to paint ball. If she sees the paint all over my face, she'll know I disobeyed a direct order. Ann marie a little on the militant side, is she? We are messing with the wrong marine. Well, you know, you should've been wearing one of those protective masks. You know, I was, but it got knocked off in the first shot. Well, you couldn't have had it on properly. You see, the problem was, you shot me from four feet away. Okay, I panicked, all right? I saw the enemy; I did what I had to do. I was on your team, red! Well, who could tell with that mask on? All right, I got an idea. I've got a gallon of paint here. Take the lid off there. Hold onto that, all right? Now, you take this into the house, and you tell ann marie you were gonna paint the front hall, but you slipped and your face went right into the can. Oh, oh, that's a good one. You can tell you're a married man, huh? Yeah. Oh, hey, no, no. This colour won't match. Oh, no problem. [ applause ] well, we sure got a different mike in town, I tell you. His parole officer gave him a job as assistant bylaw enforcement officer. And the crime rate has just dropped. That's because mike is too busy to steal stuff. Red! Red! Mike is out of control! You give a guy a goofy uniform, and he sure thinks he is something. [ laughter ] you know, he nailed me twice today for parking violations? I didn't have my car. I was just sitting on the curb. That's not parking. That would be either loitering or littering. Oh, red, he's gone fanatical. He just sneaks up from behind and nails you. He's like a wedgie. Come on. Just go easy on him for crying out -- he's trying to become a better person. Well, it's not working. I liked him more when I couldn't trust him. Well, you know what, we've gotta give him a chance. He's got a bad self-image. He sees himself as a low-life, two-bit criminal. He is a low-life, two-bit criminal! Well, I know, but we're giving him an opportunity to be something better. What? A pain-in-the-butt bylaw enforcement officer? Okay, okay, maybe at first. But once he settles into the job and cools off a little bit, then we'll have a guy on the inside. What do you mean? Well, I'm telling you. Once he tries all these powers and everything, then suddenly he'll remember who his friends are, and we'll be able to do whatever we want... We can speed; we can park wherever we feel like. Go through red lights! Walk around topless! [ laughter ] red: Had a special project. Instead of building something we were gonna tear down the shed. And walter drove over in his car. I just figured get a sledge hammer and just start wailing away. Something was bound to give sooner or later, hopefully not my own back. But walter came and said, no, no. He wanted to stop me. He had a better idea. He's figurin' we could use our pole there. And if we hoisted up, say, a -- one of the oil drums, they have a lot of weight, we could make our own wrecking ball. Always wanted to have a wrecking ball. I like the idea of that, so we tied her up to the line and we filled her with all the -- boy, we're so lucky having all those car batteries around. Luckily, none of them were too juiced up, and neither were we at this point so we could get most of them into the barrel. So we hoisted her up on the pole. It was a metal pole, so a lot of strength. And just wind her up there. And she's ready to go. Then we just take her back, swing her back. This is gonna be great. You know, unfortunately, we hit the pole. All right. Okay. Okay. Okay, so, uh, so now what? Well, walter's got another idea. He says we'll just load her up with the batteries again. And instead of sticking the pole back in the ground. What we'll do is mount the whole pole somewhere else, like, say, the possum van. Now, he said to me, 'just drive her up closer 'to the shed, and watch me. 'I'll tell you when to stop.' but he wasn't lookin', and all of a sudden -- I slammed on the brakes, so it swings back towards me. Thank you very much, walter. What's your next idea? So then he gets me to park her sideways, put the batteries all in, and away we go again. But he figures maybe we can just hoist her up by getting on a ladder or whatever, and get enough height on her that we can swing her up. We're still gonna try to make this wrecking ball work. I thought this was a little too high, but he seemed to feel good about it. You know, I think the one thing we forgot to do was to check the knot on the rope. And, uh -- so walter tied a little tougher knot this time. And now we're ready to go, and he wants to do her again, so back up the ladder he goes. Unfortunately, when you tie a bigger knot, it uses more rope. So what happened here was that she was just a little too short to actually hit the shed, so she, uh, swung up in the pendulum style, so famous for newton. And it came up. Then it just came right back. Now it's nailing walter, so I gotta move him away from the shed. So I get him into the -- and he kinda went into the trees there. I think he's all right. No, he's good. He's good. He's good -- oh! And, uh -- oh! No, no, he's fine. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. So what have you got for us today, winston? Well, red, I was hoping you could fix my mailbox. Boy, what happened there? My neighbour had a slight "altercation" with it. All right, well, I can't fix that. So why don't you just trade mailboxes with the guy? Well, see, that's not really an option. Well, what happened here? Well, he claims that I hit his mailbox with my sewage truck. And that's when he came and danced all over my mailbox with his persuader. Okay, but this didn't happen? No, I wasn't even in town! I was in port asbestos from the 12th to the 17th at the prune festival. Yeah, red, those folks were going day and night. Boy, it's not like you to back down from an argument. What convinced you? The guy's 6'7", red. Well, that doesn't matter. Right is right. If we can prove that this happened while you were at the prune festival, you're a free man. Well, how are you gonna do that? Well, there's a letter in there. If the letter is postmarked after the 12th, you're in the clear. You're a genius! Oh, no, winston. Just because someone is smarter than you doesn't mean they're a genius. There we go. Look at the that, the 15th. I'm in the clear! Hey, did you know this guy worked for the government? Yeah. Yeah. He's an income tax auditor. Really? You know, winston, maybe you should just buy yourself a new mailbox. Maybe I should buy him a new mailbox. Let's both buy him a new mailbox! [ applause ] you know how everybody likes those fancy new tvs, they're about an inch thick and they hang on the wall? Those things cost $25,000, which seems high to me by about $24,900. Still, there is nothing more embarrassing in life than having an old-fashioned television set. So here's a cheap easy way to convert your old floor model into a state-of-the-art wall hanging job. First thing you wanna do is hang a mirror on your wall about the same size as the television screen. Then you just cut a hole in the floor, and drop your tv set down in there with the screen facing up. And then you put a hinge trap door over top like this one. And on the inside of the trap door, you mount another mirror. Now, when your amish friends drop over for an apple or whatever, you can just close the trap door. But on the other hand, when you're ready to watch some hi-tech, cutting edge stuff like wrestling or tractor pulls, you just turn on the tv set. And then you just line up the mirrors. You know, there's an expression... "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree." okay, in human terms that means, "like father, like son." well, I think we got the problem with mike's police job all sorted out. You know, sometimes he's a little too thorough. Same way when he was a crook. You know, if he had a piece of chain, he'd steal two cars and tow one of them. [ laughter ] mr. Green, I just wanted to say, thanks again. You know, this is the first job I've really been good at? You know, mike, you can actually be too good at a job? I feel I'm really making a difference out there. You know, I'm making the streets safe for ordinary citizens. And I'm ridding the world of hardened criminals. [ laughter and applause ] dalton: This is all your fault, red. Yeah: "we'll have a guy on the inside." all right, stop it. Now it looks like you're gonna have two guys on the inside. What are you doing here, mike? These are your friends. These aren't criminals. Jay walking is a serious offence! You can't arrest them for that. Well, boy, mr. Green, first you say one thing, and then you say another totally opposite thing. It's just like when both my dads explained the facts of life. Well, okay, look, I made a mistake when I told you to become a cop, but we gotta put things back the way they were, where everybody knew where they stood... Us on one side of the one-way glass, and you in the line-up. Yeah, you're right. Okay, boys, one of these keys will open your locks. What's the other one? It's a key to your store. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Come on, boys. You better move along now. Come on! Move along! Get the lead out. Come on! Come on. Move on! Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I think it was abraham lincoln who said the law's an ass. I guess he knew mike. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Meeting's coming to order. Mike: Sit down! Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, I'm very pleased to announce that mike here has resigned as assistant bylaw enforcement officer. He's going back to just normal now, so I suggest you all change your locks. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com